Shave and a hair cut two ti...oh hang on a minute.
I recently experienced something amazing that is present in most cultures but has clearly risen to a social institution in India. The barber.
Now, if some soothsayer had come up to me on the streets of Canada, and if he had been both highly convincing and for whatever reason managed to dissuade my automatic lack of belief in such things as well as whatever horse/street sense I might have, and thereby achieved my attention, and had he also been the sort of modern Canadian soothsayer that enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of a man faced with a humorously vague and out of context prediction regarding his(my) future he might have told me that my trip to India would involve a silent, poorly dressed man assailing me on a Delhi street corner with a straight razor and several punches to the side of my head. Has luck would have it, I would by now realize that I owed said soothsayer an apology and whatever payment I surely would not have paid him (on the obvious basis that he was a loony).
This hypothetical incident became rather less than hypothetical* not four hours ago when on a whim, I decided that my convincing impersonation of a wild boar had run its course an that two months without formal grooming was quite long enough. I stated to my companions (clean shaven and trimmed to the man) that I needed a haircut. This was met with rather more group enthusiasm than I had expected and not 15 minutes later I found myself in a tiny room that bore more than a passing resemblance to a barber shop, though a shop it wasn’t quite by any definition older than sliced bread. Thus began my pleasant though not pain free first hand education into the reason why all Indians not utterly destitute or religiously inhibited from hygiene make up what must surly be the best groomed population in the world.
Indian Barbers:
The Rundown
1. The Basics: scissors, comb, "product" and mirror. A chair, optional in Barber form, but always provided. All systems GO.
2. Additional tools: A straight razor, the only kind in any "cool" persons opinion though western marketing and sensitivity demands have all but relegated this ancient tool to the elite hands of Hyatt barbers, Cowboys, Mr. Blonde** and the Proprietors of Olde Timey Shoppes. It remains in India the only way to shave. (some will tell you this is because of the lack of electricity but I know better.
3. Skillz: I calculated for some inexplicable reason (that may eventually stand as early evidence of my not playing with a full deck) how many hair cuts I have received in my lifetime. It work it out to about 135-140.*** This being the case I feel I possess ample experience to state that this guy knew his business. with only one pair of scissors, one comb and one blade he was able to evenly, precisely and stylishly groom my matted head of what had become something resembling horse hair, lichen and barn hay, into a clean, close short haired head to be proud of in 20 minutes flat. I have encountered this expediency only once before and my hair was washed and shorter at the time. This other nameless gentleman also had the use of a pair of electric clippers which he used for 60% of the job, and he did not give me a shave nor trim my beard as my Indian barber did today.
4. Perks: for an nominal fee you can (as I most certainly did) receive a number of spa-esque treatments while you sit. they include a head massage reminiscent of being interrogated by the KGB ****but with added feature of being somehow pleasant. A shoulder and arm massage which would be perfectly imitated if a manicurist and a chiropractor opened a tag team clinic. A facial mask that involves enough smelly floral face cream and hairclips to raise suspicions regarding the oft stated non-existence of Gay dudes out of the closet in Indian society, yet leaves you looking hot enough not to care one way or another. And finally the use of any of a wide variety of name brand aftershaves ranging from Armani, Gevinchy, Polo, Drakkar Noir, a bunch of British ones with Victorian lettering, and one or two Indian ones that I did not consider due to the bottle design.
5. The Clincher: When the saying Shave and a haircut, two bits was coined it was probably true, but it's fair to say that for the majority of that lovely lilting limericks existence it's been a load of bull patooty. Except...
The Canadian dollar on any given day, these days, buys you about 35-38 Indian rupees, a basic cut for men, which includes a shave, seemingly gratis costs you 10-20 rupees anywheres outside the Hyatt, Marriot, or Imperial properties. This means that at an average price of 17.5 rupees a shave and a hair cut is voila...Two Bits. (the extras are extra, but i would have been well on my way to playing with nothing but a Jack, a duce a rule card and a graham cracker to pass up two massages and masculine facial for the price of a gumball and the loss of being able to say that stupid limerick was proven right.)
*The Hypothetical scenario in question was that of the Barber and not the other doubly hypothetical scenario of the Canadian soothsayer. As should be obvious by now to anyone playing with even a bunch of grocery receipts with numbers written in crayon.
**It is worth noting that all of Michael Madsen's characters run a good chance of carrying such implements and that none of them differ much in their intentional use of said implement from the unfortunate Mr. Blonde. An ambitious person might go so far as to suggest that all of Tarantino's characters, and certainly any donning at any time run a very high chance of owning such tools but I would question their logic in the case of Sofie Fatale, Buck, and Brad, and possibly Mr. Wolf who just seems too cool even for a straight razor.
***Congratulations, your reward is grade 3 math : 1 haircut every 2 months = 6 per year x 22 years plus 5 = 137 plus 3 for good luck. Let me know if my math is wrong, I just love that!
**** First off the KGB are in this case just what you think. And I have it from a trusted source as well as many that I don’t trust as far as I can throw their car, that the KGB did among other similar more nasty methods, enjoy very much and frequently sitting a fellow or sadly, madam, down in a solid chair and punching them repeatedly in the head while asking them questions about their life. This was in no uncertain terms literally what happened to me at the cost 20 extra rupees in the barber psudoshop, but as I said, it was actually pleasant. ( In the kind of way you might not pay a FULL Canadian dollar for)
Thanks for reading the footnotes, I learned about them in University and am gratified that people in the real world read them for reasons not involving exam crisis'.
May all your aces be spades.
Chris
Now, if some soothsayer had come up to me on the streets of Canada, and if he had been both highly convincing and for whatever reason managed to dissuade my automatic lack of belief in such things as well as whatever horse/street sense I might have, and thereby achieved my attention, and had he also been the sort of modern Canadian soothsayer that enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of a man faced with a humorously vague and out of context prediction regarding his(my) future he might have told me that my trip to India would involve a silent, poorly dressed man assailing me on a Delhi street corner with a straight razor and several punches to the side of my head. Has luck would have it, I would by now realize that I owed said soothsayer an apology and whatever payment I surely would not have paid him (on the obvious basis that he was a loony).
This hypothetical incident became rather less than hypothetical* not four hours ago when on a whim, I decided that my convincing impersonation of a wild boar had run its course an that two months without formal grooming was quite long enough. I stated to my companions (clean shaven and trimmed to the man) that I needed a haircut. This was met with rather more group enthusiasm than I had expected and not 15 minutes later I found myself in a tiny room that bore more than a passing resemblance to a barber shop, though a shop it wasn’t quite by any definition older than sliced bread. Thus began my pleasant though not pain free first hand education into the reason why all Indians not utterly destitute or religiously inhibited from hygiene make up what must surly be the best groomed population in the world.
Indian Barbers:
The Rundown
1. The Basics: scissors, comb, "product" and mirror. A chair, optional in Barber form, but always provided. All systems GO.
2. Additional tools: A straight razor, the only kind in any "cool" persons opinion though western marketing and sensitivity demands have all but relegated this ancient tool to the elite hands of Hyatt barbers, Cowboys, Mr. Blonde** and the Proprietors of Olde Timey Shoppes. It remains in India the only way to shave. (some will tell you this is because of the lack of electricity but I know better.
3. Skillz: I calculated for some inexplicable reason (that may eventually stand as early evidence of my not playing with a full deck) how many hair cuts I have received in my lifetime. It work it out to about 135-140.*** This being the case I feel I possess ample experience to state that this guy knew his business. with only one pair of scissors, one comb and one blade he was able to evenly, precisely and stylishly groom my matted head of what had become something resembling horse hair, lichen and barn hay, into a clean, close short haired head to be proud of in 20 minutes flat. I have encountered this expediency only once before and my hair was washed and shorter at the time. This other nameless gentleman also had the use of a pair of electric clippers which he used for 60% of the job, and he did not give me a shave nor trim my beard as my Indian barber did today.
4. Perks: for an nominal fee you can (as I most certainly did) receive a number of spa-esque treatments while you sit. they include a head massage reminiscent of being interrogated by the KGB ****but with added feature of being somehow pleasant. A shoulder and arm massage which would be perfectly imitated if a manicurist and a chiropractor opened a tag team clinic. A facial mask that involves enough smelly floral face cream and hairclips to raise suspicions regarding the oft stated non-existence of Gay dudes out of the closet in Indian society, yet leaves you looking hot enough not to care one way or another. And finally the use of any of a wide variety of name brand aftershaves ranging from Armani, Gevinchy, Polo, Drakkar Noir, a bunch of British ones with Victorian lettering, and one or two Indian ones that I did not consider due to the bottle design.
5. The Clincher: When the saying Shave and a haircut, two bits was coined it was probably true, but it's fair to say that for the majority of that lovely lilting limericks existence it's been a load of bull patooty. Except...
The Canadian dollar on any given day, these days, buys you about 35-38 Indian rupees, a basic cut for men, which includes a shave, seemingly gratis costs you 10-20 rupees anywheres outside the Hyatt, Marriot, or Imperial properties. This means that at an average price of 17.5 rupees a shave and a hair cut is voila...Two Bits. (the extras are extra, but i would have been well on my way to playing with nothing but a Jack, a duce a rule card and a graham cracker to pass up two massages and masculine facial for the price of a gumball and the loss of being able to say that stupid limerick was proven right.)
*The Hypothetical scenario in question was that of the Barber and not the other doubly hypothetical scenario of the Canadian soothsayer. As should be obvious by now to anyone playing with even a bunch of grocery receipts with numbers written in crayon.
**It is worth noting that all of Michael Madsen's characters run a good chance of carrying such implements and that none of them differ much in their intentional use of said implement from the unfortunate Mr. Blonde. An ambitious person might go so far as to suggest that all of Tarantino's characters, and certainly any donning at any time run a very high chance of owning such tools but I would question their logic in the case of Sofie Fatale, Buck, and Brad, and possibly Mr. Wolf who just seems too cool even for a straight razor.
***Congratulations, your reward is grade 3 math : 1 haircut every 2 months = 6 per year x 22 years plus 5 = 137 plus 3 for good luck. Let me know if my math is wrong, I just love that!
**** First off the KGB are in this case just what you think. And I have it from a trusted source as well as many that I don’t trust as far as I can throw their car, that the KGB did among other similar more nasty methods, enjoy very much and frequently sitting a fellow or sadly, madam, down in a solid chair and punching them repeatedly in the head while asking them questions about their life. This was in no uncertain terms literally what happened to me at the cost 20 extra rupees in the barber psudoshop, but as I said, it was actually pleasant. ( In the kind of way you might not pay a FULL Canadian dollar for)
Thanks for reading the footnotes, I learned about them in University and am gratified that people in the real world read them for reasons not involving exam crisis'.
May all your aces be spades.
Chris
posted by Chris and Nilu at 11:15 AM
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